Emche's life, as it were

my urban garden

2010-08-11T17:30:00.000+03:00

This blog has been collecting spam for some time now, but I am being non-commital about starting up posting again.. I sort of would like to start a brand new blog...that represents me a little better these days. But until I make a decision about THAT, I am going to go ahead and post here.

why plants make the best pets:

1.) Plants require minimal attention, i.e., watering once a day or less.
2.) If you take good care of them, plants often will grow fruit, or vegetables. Then you can make a salad.
3.) Plants do not bark or poop.
4.) Plants attract butterflies and birds and other living creatures.
5.) Plants are beautiful to look at, and really good listeners. (just kidding, I don't talk to my plants. I have heard that it's good for them though. but honestly! I don't talk to them.)

moving past the quarter life

2009-05-11T18:10:00.019+03:00

Not that long ago I had a conversation with a dear friend about aging. It's true that I am only 27 (she is 28) and we are still relatively young in the grand scheme of things (although if we are talking the grand scheme of insect life, we are VERY old, but in the grand scheme of say, cedar trees we are mere saplings...at the age of 27 and 28 that is). But, I am talking human life... American humans, and in fact American, single women.

So, the thing is, both of us are idealists. Life from the ages of 22-25 as an idealist is absolute bliss. At least it was for me; simple because I had no attachments, no one to answer to and the world was full of mystery and opportunity. Do I sound overly romantic, and a bit self-centered? Good; that is how life is for an idealist, and I want you to get the picture.

Around the age of 25, things started to change for me a bit...well, they more changed for my friends, which also means they changed for me. Everyone got married. And I don't mean everyone, because clearly, I am not married. (Is it clear?) So anyhow, that changed things a bit, in the way that there were less people to hang out with. Mostly because a lot of married folks forget how to be around people other than their spouses--it's a strange phenomenon, I don't quite understand it. (And I don't entirely blame them.) I am just saying, this is the way I've experienced it for the most part.

So, as an American, single woman (and idealist too!), this whole situation leaves one trying to figure out where their community went and why life is demanding more and more decisions and commitments. I guess there is this whole idea of the quarter life crisis? You've heard of it I'm sure. (And I don't tell you all this without a certain amount of embarrassment.) Well, that is all part of what lead to the conversation I had with my friend.

The crisis is over, and has been over for about a year or two now, but it's definitely taken about that much time to level out. But over the course of that year or so (while the idealism was dying a slow, ugly death), the way I think about life started to change a whole lot. A lot of the entitlement and selfishness started to be exposed. God was gracious in letting that stuff boil to the surface so I could see it for myself. (Let it be known that the boiling process is excruciatingly uncomfortable. Think: lobster in a pot.) It was necessary though, I suppose, if I believe God is all-knowing. Which I do.

So, all that leads to now--the convo about aging, thinking about life differently--less idealistically, planning for the future...navigating, plotting, trusting (God). A man who understood the reality of his own nothingness was Trappist monk, Thomas Merton. I read this quote from Choosing to Love the World this morning. Perhaps it will bring light to what I'm trying to say (much more eloquently than how I've communicated it).

"Dread is an expression of our insecurity in this earthly life, a realization that we are never and can never be completely "sure" in the sense of possessing a definitive and established spiritual status. It means we cannot any longer hope in ourselves, in our wisdom, our virtues, our fidelity. We see to clearly that all that is "ours" is nothing, and can completely fail us. In other words we no longer rely on what we "have," what has been given by our past, what has been required. We are open to God and to His mercy in the inscrutable future and our trust in the emptiness where we will confront unforeseen decisions. Only when we have descended in the dread to the center of our own nothingness, by His grace and His guidance, can we be led by Him, in His own time, to find Him in losing ourselves." --On Contemplation

I know how to have a good time.

2008-11-13T21:39:00.002+02:00

Want to know what is so fun/trippy? Listening to Gregorian Chant on one's i-pod while riding the subway. Really! You should try it.

new environs

2008-11-10T05:26:00.011+02:00

I've been wanting to update now for quite awhile. Since moving to Chicago approx. 1.5 months ago, too many changes have probably taken place to even begin to mention. However, I was musing today about how...the flow of jumping into life here has felt unnaturally...natural. Today was probably the first day where I felt a little lost, not geographically (that has happened at least a few times) but in general. I've called so many places home in the past five years or so, it seems my own skin is the only place that really houses me(although, that is not entirely true either). What would it be like to actually...settle in a place? And what does that even mean?

I am fairly crafty...I can "domesticate" a space (just ask my roommate. I have provided our home with much curiously beautiful driftwood :). Finding the neighborhood grocery, a favorite cafe, watching the leaves change and fall off the trees that line the streets...I guess these are all parts of settling in too. Meeting people, with the intention of more than knowing a face and a name. I don't think that settling means the same thing to everyone, of course. I was having coffee with a friend who is making a move to Cleveland (ironically), and I asked her how long she was planning on staying. "Oh, not forever. Three to five years, maybe," she said. I had to laugh out loud because I say the same thing about living in Chicago--anything more than five years would seem like eternity. Is my generation full of commitmentaphobes, or is it just me and my friends? (On a side note, today on Sunday morning with George Stephanopolis, my generation was referred to as Generation O, as in Obama. I def. am all about my generation ushering in our new Pres. but I sort of resent folks changing up my generation's identity every few years. Just saying.)

Anyhow, I don't really know about any of this settling stuff. I hope and pray that I will always be open to going where the Lord leads. I guess that includes being lead to stay.

the suburban wild

2008-09-01T04:07:00.003+03:00

I think that I might miss the (if limited) natural wildlife that suburbia offers, once I move to the city. For instance, tonight while taking an evening stroll I happened to catch out of the corner of my eye....a little owl! In a tree, on a treelawn, in Parma. The owner of the tree and his three kids were sitting on the porch, so I called them over to take a look. It was just the most adorable creature I've ever seen. (the kids were almost as excited about it as me) The tree that the owl was perched in actually has some sort of bug or fungus that seems to be doing an awful lot of harm, sadly. I took a leaf sample to try to identify what it may be, to help out the concerned tree-owner.

I live for these fun little nature encounters. :)

'che' in emche result of ridiculously small statured individuals procreating over the course of multiple generations

2008-08-30T12:40:00.017+03:00

It honestly doesn't bother me much anymore--being short. It's always been difficult buying pants...or shorts, or capri's, or I guess anything one puts on one's legs. So, I've resolved to take it like the champ and learn to sew, so I can at least hem my own pants. (If you don't look too closely, my hems look quite professional.)

Lately though, I've been more and more frustrated at how my feet never touch the ground simultaniously with my back touching the back of a chair/couch/etc while sitting. Honestly, my aging body is starting to get irritated (particularly my lower back). There is just no comfortable and lady-like way to sit when you are 5 feet tall. (Let's be honest, they simply don't make furniture for the vertically challenged. At least not in this country.) My choices therefore, are to sit with feet extended outward (in similar fashion as that crazy clown lady from The Big Comfy Couch), sit cross-legged like I am in preschool, or on the edge of my seat (making me appear jumpy and further aggitating my poor lower back). There are many more complex problems in the world, it's true. This happens to be my cross to bear, and I blame my ancestors entirely. You'll see what I mean.

Gr. Grandma Krisfaluski, or "Babka." Height: 4 ft 10 inches

(In the middle) Gr. Grandpa Betchik; Height: 4 ft 11 inches

Nana Rose Schandik; Height: 5 ft 2 inches

Gr. Grandpa & Grandma Bertuzzi, Heights: 5 ft 5 inches & 4 ft 11

Gr. Grandma Anita Cernoia, or "Nonna." Height: 5 ft 3 inches

August Shower(s)

2008-08-24T21:04:00.007+03:00

This past week, my dear friend Laurie threw me a "missionary shower" tea party at my church, in preparation for my move to Chicago to work with Bridges International. When Laurie first told me of her idea to throw a shower for me, I literally burst into tears. She said that the Lord had told her to do it, and I believe it 100%. Lord knows how I feel after going to 8 zillion wedding and baby showers (as a single person). I am totally undeserving of how I was blessed by this shower on Thursday. Approximately 70 women showed up and enjoyed my favorite foods with me (pie, dark chocolate, tea). Laurie is a perfectionist, and it was perfect...beautiful decorations and delicious food. Many of the women in attendence have really mothered me spiritually in the past several months and years. We've had amazing prayer times and I've learned a whole lot about what it means to trust and serve God, from them.

In the midst of being at the shower, I realized how hard it is for me to accept grace. It's just so foreign to my human nature to accept something that I haven't worked for. So often I wrestle with God when He tries to bless and provide for me--I think I don't deserve it (which I don't). That's His nature though--graceful.

At one point, Laurie had everyone write down cleaning/hospitality/ministry tips for me on notecards. (Since I will be working with international students, my home will be used for hosting/ hospitality quite often--hurray!) Here are a few of my most favorite tips:

"If you pick the best smelling laundry soap, it will make washing the clothes way more fun!"-Annie

"Try to always keep cans of rootbeer in the fridge, and ice cream in the freezer, so on the spur of the moment you can invite someone over for rootbeer floats!"-Sandy

"Make your bed every morning."-Debbie

"NEVER, ever give up on a stain!! Avoid men that wear sport coats with jeans."-Erica

"When you do dishes, pray specifically for family, friends."-Donna

"When going in the fridge, use this motto, "When in doubt, throw it out!"-Julia

"Pray, listen and do whatever God tells you to do. You'll never be sorry you did."-Cindy

"Always check your backseat before you get in your car. ALWAYS be aware of your surroundings. NEVER make eye contact with strangers on the street."-Bonnie

"Clean your bathroom regularly."-Emily

"Call my son Christopher. He lives in Chicago, and is VERY CUTE, 26 years old, and as nice as can be!"-Shawana

"Pray to have eternal eyes every day."-Wendy

makiato toplo

2008-06-28T02:00:00.003+03:00

It's my half birthday today! 26.5! To celebrate, I am drinking something very similar to a Makedonski makiato toplo. In a polka dotted cup and saucer. Happy!

ah the random joys of life

2008-06-19T01:49:00.009+03:00

A few things: While volunteering at Crown Point's summer program today I made friends with a 6 year old little girl name Gracie. Right off the bat she grabbed my hand as we were walking along and looked up at me and said, "Are you magic?," to which I replied, "Of course." I then proceeded to show her how when I wiggle my nose, it makes the wind blow in the trees. She was impressed, I think. A little later on she mentioned that, "All the brown people like you that I know are magical." Hmmm. Maybe she was likening me to her aquaintance with Middle Eastern shamans or something. Iiinnteresting. On another interesting but unrelated note, I beat my little (but 8 inches taller) sister wrestling in the yard 2/3 times the other day. My wrestling career started a mere 4 months ago, and is proving to be quite promising. Any takers?

surviving 'pit-out' in the midwest

2008-06-13T15:56:00.009+03:00

Clevelanders are going to crucify me for saying this. I strongly dislike summer in this part of the country. Case in point: Last weekend I stumbled into a book shop in order to get a breathe of breathable, cool air after wandering around the (95 F and humid) city-wide yard sale in Tremont. Upon my arrival, three (not bad-looking) clerks behind the counter (why there were three, I cannot say...seems a bit excessive), greeted me with, "How's it going?" (not in unison, that would be creepy), to which I replied while checking my (sadly, moist) pits, "DANG! It's stinking HOT out there!"

They all sort of stared for a second (maybe because I was openly checking for pit-out). Pause pause... "Uh, well. We (motioning to his comrades behind the counter)think it's a welcome change from the bitter cold, DON'T YOU, YOU VIERDO?" (the clerk didn't scream that last part,or call me a vierdo but he might have well have,he was so disgruntled.)

I had heard this all before, nothing new. "I actually prefer the cold," I said, "although, these extremes in weather are sort of a put off. Do you think maybe, the extreme weather patterns in Cleveland are partially responsible for producing extreme behavioral patterns in people(example: bi-polar disorder, etc?)?"

More blank stares.

Ah well.

I do like the warmer weather, but not it feels like I am taking a bath in my own sweat (130% humidity). Sick.

So, while I am stuck inside, escaping the evil 98 F weather, I've come up with a few things to soothe and entertain my (and hopefully your) soul (and sinuses) til those lovely blizzard clouds roll back around.

Http://www.irisbahr.com

http://www.desertbloomherbs.com/netipot.html

http://www.jbott.com/

let's just say I'm 'vintage'

2008-06-06T05:06:00.009+03:00

I won't embarrass myself by mentioning how often friends of mine, dear friends, have compared my likeness to that of a baba (grandma). This has probably been observed of me since I was around 10 years old, honestly. So what if I like to knit, garden and drink hot beverages? What's the problem if my favorite radio station is 91.5 (nonstop music from the 20's, 30's and 40's)? Is it such a big deal that I wear knee high stockings and taffeta dresses? (I don't do that, but I do enjoy cardigans. And I have been known to go to bed on the early side.)

Last month I had the utter privilege of going to see The Swell Season here at the Allen Theater in Cleve. It was a good choice as far as venue, I thought, as the Allen's acoustics are decent, and the atmosphere sort of ethereal. Not only is this musical pair good looking, and international (Glen Hansard is Irish and Marketa Irglova is Czech), but they are also ridiculously talented. Their music is so emotionally charged, I think I swooned the entire time. I especially loved the way they prefaced each new song: "This one is about how, in life, sometimes you are standing in front of a door and don't turn towards the door, but go everywhere else, sometimes even sitting in front of that door, until you realize...you must go through that door. That's what this song is about." (?!) Or, "This song is about how, sometimes in life you meet someone and they are perfect, and you are perfect together, but they were only meant to inhabit a perfectly short time in your existence together, and if it were any other way, it wouldn't be so perfect. That's what this one is about." (Eh, slightly melodramatic, right? Enjoyable none-the-less.) In between sips from a tea cup on stage (God bless the Irish!), Glen introduced my favorite song of the evening with an Irish proverb that goes something like this,

"The old are fools, and so are the young. Ah, but better to be a fool than have something to prove."

I have to say, I completely agree with the sentiment here. Young and old alike are not afraid to tell the truth. It's so refreshing! Most folks in between youth and old age are caught up in trying to prove to everyone around them how successful, witty, rich, established, happy, etc. they are. Kids are too young to understand etiquette and political correctness. Old folks on the other hand, just don't give a damn--realize how fleeting life is and know man's opinion is futile.

We should strive to be so carefree and authentic! I'll be a fool if it means telling the truth and having a good time any day! And nothing says 'good time' like polka music and some delicious, home-made bunt cake, eh?

wisdom

2008-04-23T17:08:00.007+03:00

My main prayer lately has been for wisdom. I think I've been asking for wisdom without fully knowing what it is...

I read this definition of wisdom in James: "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peacable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:17, ESV. To be short, ISN'T THAT STINKING AMAZING? I want that.

when strivings cease

2008-04-13T22:22:00.010+03:00

I was reading this article in the Times about career bloggers, and how there have been at least three stress-related deaths in the blog industry in the past month or so. It sounds like a demanding gig and one that I don't envy. Not that trying to convince people to invest in eternity isn't demnding (was that a double negative?)--which is my current 'professional' gig, and a necessary part of my job. Luckily, that is the Holy Spirit's deal...I can do no convincing. Which, honestly, I am quite glad of--it takes the pressure off. But I certainly do work. More on that later.

Anyhow. That brings me to another thought...something that came to mind yesterday morning as I was jogging through the misty greyness. If I can get myself up early (which I usually can) and keep my mind numb enough to not rationalize staying indoors with a cup of tea, I can often be outside and a mile into my run before my brain knows what my body is doing. This is the place I found myself early, on Saturday. The neighborhood I grew up in is not a bad area to take a jog--there are little 'parks' with aging alluminum benches and some nice shady trees. I gather these little spaces were once teeming with children, say, in the 50's and 60's--playing baseball and whatnot. Now you just see the random squirrel or two, scurrying up a tree. To be fair, I saw quite a few squirrels--doing some sort of courtship circle-dancing. Scurry, scurry...squeak! Glance back...scurry... squeak sqeak! (don't notice me=please notice me! Chase me up this tree, please! It is not unlike human courtship practices, only sometimes minus the tree climbing.) Avoiding the massive potholes typical of Cleveland, I ran pass the squirrels and trees, a tree still housing a weathered, plastic Santa Clause, daffodils on treelawns, a few "Mit Romney for President" signs propped up in front windows. The bungalow jungle, the streets of Parma.

There is this little church sort of in the middle of the neighborhood and it plays bells on the hour on the weekends--hymns and such. I loooove hearing that sound off in the distance because it reminds me of Europe and it reminds me of Jesus. On this particular Saturday, the bells were chiming out possibly my favorite hymn, In Christ Alone.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my
All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

That's just the first bit. What registered with me as I listened, thinking through the words as I ran, was the part about that says"when strivings cease." Living in a strivings-based culture, and as a type of well, let's say, striving-addict, thinking about "strivings ceasing" is a bit unnerving. Makes me a little anxious, to be quite honest. And that reaction is not uncommon considering the nature of addiction, right? I think this hymn is addressing the mysterious idea of grace--something we cannot attain through our own actions. When human hearts finally, in the love and peace of Christ, conclude that there is nothing they can do to earn God's love..."strivings cease". Strivings could be any number of efforts and struggles--some are worthy of the work, and some are completely worthless. Often I am guilty of attempted strivings...to make God love me more through my actions, of earning human approval. It makes me "feel" like I've accomplished something. The crazy thing it that Christ values me no more or less based on what I do for Him. And if I've ever thought that my strivings are enough to earn love--that is altogether false as well.

I think I am beginning to realize just how completely undeserving I am. And how utterly blessed.

gray matter

2008-03-17T16:33:00.011+02:00

Demise
to the gory, sarcasm-laced, fanciful wonderings.

I am exposed, in a hazy, gray sort of way.
motives.
insecurities.
In my wishful thinking I pray for the chaff to be burned away. For death to take her own.

to that which destroys and warps--

the sticky webs and graphic lines etched about that lump in my throat.

Shto e toa?

Love?
Longing?

Fear.

Ah, taka e.

Here is what I surmise:

color
emotion
perception...

Backdrop:grace.

Regretfully,
Logic isn't going to be all that helpful.

Is that going to be problem? Or should I keep on with the banter, here?

Despite slight indisposition...I admit banter is not in question.

At least;

I feel.

Sborovash ti?

birds

2008-03-03T23:36:00.011+02:00

I have been meaning to write about birds. For one reason or another, over the past two months God has been bringing to mind these delicate and carefree creatures. Part of this was due to being down in Florida and experiencing brilliant new ecosystems (at least to me) which include some absolutely darling little feathery friends. I was running on the beach one morning, and literally stopped in my tracks with a GASP! as five little sandpipers skipped by me, being chased by a wave. (I later found out, that, it seems they play this little game of tag with the waves everyday--in fact, multiple times a day.) Pelicans are also quite intriguing...the way they confidently stride by on the breeze, solemn and focused. And then there is the egret...snowy white and graceful, patiently stalking her prey.

an adorable sandpiper.

It's silly, really, putting these human characteristics on animals as if they have personalities or something. My friend Amy (an animal scientist) told me that PETA and other animal rights groups rarely have a firm understanding of animal needs and behaviors and often-times put human emotions and needs on non-humans thereby exacerbating and exaggerating situations like factory farming. I'm not sure if I believe that or not, since it seems to me that even my fish Sir Percival (a Crowned Beta named after the knight of the Round Table) has a distinct personality all his own. (He is really moody and a picky eater, too. And I thought I was getting a low-maintenance pet.)

Sir Percival in an amiable mood.

Anyhow, back to birds...

Christ's words in Luke 12 are so comforting; "Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" God wants us to learn from simplistic creatures--to see the ridiculousness of our anxieties. It's not like birds have to make choices or car payments or worry about saving for retirement. If I could live in a tree and eat berries, believe me I would. It's even possible that I've tried. And yet, Christ compares humans to birds...in that we are all His handiwork; His children in whom He takes great joy, and He wants to take care of stuffs for us...as we experience our crises of faith and get shaken to action.

Then I was reading a chapter on God's sovereignty by Tozer, and he mentions birds as well....how the phrase, "Free as a bird," is bunk--a total farce. Birds are not free--they are controlled by instinct, void of emotion--they are driven by their simple need for food, shelter, and water. "The naturalist knows that the supposedly free bird actually lives its entire life in a cage made of fears, hungers, and instincts; it is limited by weather, conditions, varying air pressures, the local food supply, predatory beasts... The freest bird is, along with every other created thing, held in constant check by a net of necessity. Only God is free."

I turned this over in my mind a bit the past few days... and I think that all of this "bird talk" makes sense. Clearly, I am not a bird, and if you are reading this then I assume you aren't either. We have needs--but God wants to take care of those. We are only free in the Lord--free of worry, free from all those worldly constraints. Even though we are more valuable than birds to God, we are still deeply depraved. Despite that depravity He chose us to be His the image-bearers, and if He is free, well then we get to experience freedom through faith in Him. God is in control. We are cared for, but not careless. Diligent with duties but not overwhelmed.

Such a fine balance this life is.

smoke rings and pink candy hearts

2008-02-14T19:02:00.019+02:00

Something about Valentine's Day really makes me wish I were a smoker. Maybe it's the black and white Parisian imagery that floats through my mind...couples sitting in cafes, coyly sipping espresso, blowing heart-shaped smoke rings through cherry-red lips, sharing breathy exchanges, "Oh mon petit chou...où ai-je égaré mon gnome de jardin ?"

Sigh. Perhaps that's a little fantastic. The closest I got to that little fantasy was talking to a couple of Serbians at Arabica between support appointments today. I did recieve a hand-written poem from an authentic hippy (who in fact is what I like to refer to as my "Special Valentine")...and have secured at least 7 commitments...that is, of individuals to "be my Valentine." (No, no I am not being greedy--if you were dedicated at all to reading this blog you would recall my previous post concerning the common misconception of Valentinian customry. See Feb. 2006 post. ) Sarcasm aside, I am dedicated to thoroughly enjoying Valentine's Day regardless of the changable state of my love life.

I learned this little tidbit concerning the actual meaning behind my favorite saint day: "The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Lupercalia translates into "Wolf Festival." The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh." (thank you, Wikipedia)

Supposedly, the Catholic church instated the celebration of Valentine's Day in order to supercede this violent pagan tradition. Sort of makes forcing down all those chalky candy hearts seem really tame, eh?

Speaking of those tasty little conversation hearts, here is a list of unique uses besides ingestion.

Create a fun, pastel mosaic.
Draw on a chalkboard. Or on the sidewalk.
Put them in a glass of water and listen to the fizz.
Shoot them out of a slingshot at small animals.
Spell out a secret message to your secret crush.
Tick-tack-toe.
Use them as currency.
Kitty litter.
Soap.
Soup.
Tiddly-winks.
Bribery.

I think that's all. Happy V-Day!

like so much time lost...

2008-01-26T19:02:00.000+02:00

A pictoral web of sorts.

In lui of explanation, I offer kudos to anyone who can figure out ...what I have been up to in the past six months of life according to the following. A picture is worth a thousand words, yea?

IALAC

2007-10-01T01:16:00.000+03:00

I am going to try to be more consistant with blogging...:)

I just returned from hiking in what is called the "Back 40," which is 40 miles of forest and marsh on the Colebrook, CT NC property. It was exceedingly lovely. I find that nothing refreshes my soul more than getting to meander through the woods by my lonesome--especially after being with people non stop all week long.

New England is pretty much what one would assume it to be, at least based on say, Little Women, or Walden, ie. quaint. Plus the topography is interesting...coniferous and deciduous forest, glacial rocks everywhere, hilly...blue skies every day (since I have arrived), not to mention the plentiful and diverse animal population. In one week I saw wild turkey, a host of salamaders, newts, red efts, tree frogs, hawks, and a water snake eating a frog (my field group loooved it).

Teaching is great. I suppose I do enjoy children--their minds are like little sponges, soaking in new learning at an increidible rate. It's allowing me to be a kid again too in a lot of ways--and re-igniting my sense of wonder and awe at the complexity of natural processes and connections...and of the God who ties these all together for beauty and for good.

Nuevo England...my new home

2007-09-24T03:50:00.000+03:00

I am going to by-pass the whole "I haven't blogged in several months" deal due to being trapped against my will in a time capsule and in the dregs of a quarter life crisis....and move right along to more important things like ORT, UGRR, switch-ins, Eastern Hemlock and Long Trail beer (more on that later). I am learning a new language--and it's not of Slavik origin this time. In fact, it's the language of Nature's Classroom where I am now a teacher..located in the land of the Puritans, quaint town centers, beautiful fall colors and America's beginnings as a nation--New England. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the whole NC (Nature's Classroom) program allow me to enlighten you....Or just visit the website.

http://www.naturesclassroom.org/index.htm

Things are going much better than I could have imagined. I arrived only a week ago by train (Amtrak is fun, but sort of sketchy...that is, the people riding Amtrak are sort of sketchy. Not sure what that says about me). I get to spend like 90% of my time outdoors with kids, teaching them about the woods and nature and such things. Having attended Nature's Classroom as a kid, I already was pretty familiar with the program, as it had a HUGE impact on me. A lot of concepts that I recall learning as a kid from NC focused on conserving energy, the importance of community, and learning how to identify different species of trees...among other fun stuffs.

This job right now is a God-send. Although I only plan on working for one season here (as of now) it has been a refreshment for my soul already.

"And this our life

Exempt from public haunt

Finds tongue in trees

Books in running brooks

Sermons in stones

And good in everything."

--Shakespeare, "As You Like It" Act 2:1:15

2007-06-26T07:00:00.000+03:00

"In a way...if you have an idea of what you can be ok with and then sense the joy of...sacrificing... that's the magic and steadfastness of commitment. It's better than you and you're a part of it."

-a very wise friend of mine (http://jaredwhatsinthere.blogspot.com/)

Isn't this a beautiful definition of commitment? I think so. Commitment is something that I don't quite understand...but it's true that it works. It just works and I don't know why! Maybe it has something to do with sacrifice--that is sort of a theme throughout Scripture, and something the Lord did quite well. I think it has everything to do with being faithful in small things, and with whatev it is that you have. The entire concept is completely perplexing to me, I will not lie. We humans are incredibly resourceful, in my opinion. Any single person can possess insurmountable greatness and ability...if they are aware of it, if it is brought to their attention. "Without vision, the people parish," is another pretty stinkin accurate quote. Commitment is nothing without vision. Me thinks that there is way more to it than that though. The steps that lead up to commitment and then to vision...I feel like they have to be clear. Direct. (Maybe that is just me though.) However! They are often not clear. Abstract. Is this making any sense at all?

Maybe I am way off, but it seems like the abstractness is usually what one has to trudge through in order to achieve the vision. And I guess this is called faith. And faithfulness. Henry, a random dude I met at the zoo the other day was talking about this. Henry is 60 years old (he didn't look it), wants to be a medical assistant, and is completely commited to that goal. He knows where he has been and where he is going--even though this goal requires a lot of sacrifice and faith, but it is worth it because he doesn't have a job, and he wants to help people, and his landlord is a crazy lady and he wants to get out of the ghetto. Henry is just a tiny example...there are millions, and on much larger scales.

Marriage is obviously a commitment. So is buying a car. So is loving your brother. Perhaps people don't see these as commitments often, and make them flippiently. I don't have a conclusion--commitment still baffles me. So maybe all of you reading this are totally aware of these things already--you are probably more mature than I. All that I know is that life requires commitment, so it's best to be in the know.

friendship and insanity.

2007-06-14T21:55:00.000+03:00

Where oh where can I post a post concerning the love I have in my heart for my friends who love me although I am legally insane? I guess I will post that here. I am not long-winded.

straaange things are happenin to me

2007-06-13T09:06:00.000+03:00

Isn't that a song? I don't know. I do know that strange emotions overcome me late at night...I feel overly ambitious! Bring it on, world. The whole phenomenon is an oddity because I have gotten used to being pegged "baba" (Macedonian for grandma) or granny (American English for, ego's kin relationship with his/her mother or father's mother) for my early hitting-the-sack habits. Well, life has thrown me for a loop in more ways than one lately and I guess my sleeping habits have been affected...noooot that you care. The point being, my late-night ambition has gotten me thinking that God has a bit more in store for me than safe suburbia (or whatever). I am sure He does for you too...

Here is a condensed list of what I want to be when I grow up:

I desperately desire to be a potter. (Liz and Melissa are well aware.)

I aspire to be...a jewler, a painter, an organic gardener.

A missionary, a servant, a lover.

A harmonica player, a cat owner, a tea guru. Not to mention a woman of fervent prayer, a traveler, a nomad, a better listener. An advocate for change. Inclusive. Risk taker. A temple of the Holy Spirit. The Church.

One who dies to self, willingly. Is it possible?

What do you want to be when you grow up? Chances are He desires that too.

On another topic, I was slightly disturbed by the recent collapse of the immigration revision in the Senate the other night. I don't think right or left are to blame, or our government in general. Immigration and refugee reform have a long way to go in this country...but have come a long way as well, I suppose.

check out this link to people who are doing something about it:

www.newsanctuarymovement.org

boccie, bona notte.

Memorandum

2007-05-30T00:08:00.000+03:00

Happy belated Memorial Day. As a bonafide American (I admit it), I do honor...everyone. In commemoration, I ate a star-pop. And took a ramble in the forest. It was pleasant, if underwhelming.

So, on the topic of well, choices and choosing and whatnot, my friend Melissa provided this amazing quote. I've been chatting with plenty of people on said topic, and have found there to be extreme variants in opinion. Does God speak directly to us concerning particular issues? Does He simply entrust us with making decisions? I have spoken to both camps. I am straining to hear and learning to trust.

"If God's goal is to grow us as adults, then on occasion, guidance may not come. In effect God is saying, "I trust you; decide for yourself." E Stanley Jones explains, " Obviously God must guide us in a way that will develop spontaneity in us. The development of character, rather than direction in this, that, and the other matter, must be the primary purpose of the Father. He will guide us, but He won't override us. That fact should make us use with caution the method of sitting down with a pencil and blank sheet of paper to write down the instructions dictated by God for the day. Suppose a parent would dictate to the child minutely everything he is to do during the day. The child would be stunted under that regime. The parent must guide in such a manner, and to the degree, that autonomous character, capable of making right decisions for itself, is produced. God does the same....On occasions when no particular divine message is discerned, after listening to the other sources of guidance (Scripture, counsel of others), we step out in faith and act with wisdom."

I think the steppin out part is key.

This one was interesting as well...

"Religious silence is silence that is undertaken as an act of worship. Whether I hear God or not makes no difference."
- Thomas Merton

INspired

2007-05-26T20:28:00.000+03:00

a short poem of sorts.

laundry.......SIGH.

pavement. isn't. alive.
(it should be)

this entry brought to you by a conversation with myfriendfelicity.

Uh, right.

2007-05-19T04:48:00.000+03:00

I have a few things to say tonight. I need to stay away from ebay....because yeah. I have never really gambled before, BUT Theresa Betchik happens to be my grandmother and if you know her, you know that little lady loves to try her luck. Bidding is way too much of a game. I learned this the hard way by bidding on a car (yeaaaah hatchback) the other day....LUCKILY the nice man canceled my winning bid at my request. (and he was very cordial about it too, thank the Lord.) Other things....I am unsure what the proper etiquette is when you recognize that someones pet has gained weight. I mean, obviously, you would NEVER mention to a friend that you noticed that he/she had gained weight, right? Clearly. So I suppose that one wouldn't find the need to comment on saaaay, an Australian Sheep-Herder's generous hips. Gotcha. Next time I'll remember that. In other (really exciting) news, the Cavs won tonight.

veird.

2007-05-12T07:30:00.000+03:00

This was the veirdest week. I mean, in all reality, it wasn't all that strange or different or notable even. I think that is honestly what make life bizarre lately, right?......I was having a beer at Cornerstone with my friend Salad-Bowl-Jason (we are both contemplating and carefully...or not so carefully...planning our next exodus from the mid-west) and it...reminded me, that yeah. This isn't forever. Thankfully. I mean, that is the general thought pattern of the past 7 or so months, however! I must repeat it incessantly. Not that I don't appreciate my family (especially my pop's cooking, my ma's ability to listen to my relentless babbling, in addition to watching Scrubs at midnight with Annie) or the really hip group of friends that the Lord has blessed me with, or even the modern conveniences of American living.

I do.
Appreciate all of it.
(give me the willage life though, ohhhh just give me the willage life.)

I really am trying to be responsible here. Honestly.

And I am thankful to the Lord for SO many things! The weather in Cleveland is not only tolerable (finally), but "abundantly sunny," as I saw on the weather channel the other day. That should be enough for at least a few AMENS. Not to mention The Smiths marathon on 88.3 yesterday, or the cup of lily-of-the-valley sitting on my desk. It really doesn't take much.

In other ways though, I am SO ready to move on. One can only make so many double-tall-2-pump-nonfat-no-whip-mochas without wanting to barf. Listen lady, I am tryin to help you out...please don't order the venti carmel frap. Please. I know ya'll are hearin me on this.

Anyhow. I sprained my foot this week, inhibiting me from preparing aforementioned fraps and mochas, which was, well...alright. I didn't even sprain it doing something cool like, running from a wild pack of dogs. I was just carrying my laundry up the stairs. Anyhow, it gave me even more time to think...and I tried not to obsess over my planning and whatnot, of the next few days/months/years of my life. Because I realize that there is only so much I can possibly do at this time, and I think I am doing that. I mean, I think I am at least.

I came across this quote by my favorite painter...
"Great things are not done by impulse, but a by series of small things brought together. "
-Vincent Van Gogh

I really hope this is true. I really hope my INFPishness isn't dominating me, as I hope to master it in the end.

There are other things probably. But that's it for now.

Sofia

2007-04-07T21:03:00.000+03:00

I forgot to include our little escapade to Sofia, Bulgaria in my previous post about Macedonia. Liz and I flew our of Sofia, so we decided to spend a day there. Sofia is beautiful in spring--the architecture is quite ornate and there are many wide open spaces for walking. The city was really easy to navigate as well--especially since Macedonian and Bulgarian are practically the same language and the streets are well marked. Liz and Melis are excellent travel buds. Some highlights and notables:

*(As usual) nearly tossing our cookies on the six hour Balkan bus ride to Sofia from Skopje.

*After dragging 4 huge bags to our hostel, and up 5 flights of stairs, being told that they had double-booked and having to drag everything down the street to another hostel and up another 5 flights of stairs.

* Our breakfast of white cheese and toast at Orient Hostel with Natasha, our host. Mmm. Scrumpious. (I am still a bit let down that we didn't get to partake in the free shots from the Bukovski Bar that our first hostel promised.)

*The dodgey Brits (especially Bridget--what a cliche) trying to communicate with Natasha..."Margar-ine? Mar-garine?"

*Eating lunch al fresco and being pleasantly suprised by a.) Bulgarian beer b.) Bulgaria's take on Italian food c.) The Italian model behind us trying to order fish..."Is the fish FRESH? FRESH? fresh. Fresh!? Allora...." (pretty much all cross-cultural communication (or mis-communication) is hystrical to me.)

*Dreaming out loud.

*The hidden gem of a kafe in the heart of a Sofia residential area garden courtyard where we partook in cappucinos in tiny cups and truffles...in the violet dusk as cherry blossoms snowed around us to the sound of mating cats. :)

*Getting lost down windy streets.

Grace: Macedonia Part Tre

2007-04-01T08:27:00.000+03:00

See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance." Song of Songs 2:12-13a

It only took about a day for everything to seem the same as always after having finally arrived Skopje. I'm convinced that time stands still in Macedonia, if not the entire Balkan region of the world. Not to give the impression that it's a perpetual springtime...it just happened to be so when myself, Lindz, and Liz stepped off of our Austrian Air flight and onto Macedonian terrain. I had had a funny feeling when I left Skopje in August, looking down teary-eyed at the red tile roofs and shallow valleys from the plane--the smallest seed of a notion that I'd be back. I didn't want to believe it at the time. In fact, I hardly wanted to believe that I'd been granted the blessing of returning to Macedonia, my home of two years, as I handed the indifferent politzia my passport, as I drove past the green hills and tiny shacks, and into the dusty streets of Skopje. Unreal. Yet...so familiar. I love that about Mk.

Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your Holy Mountain, to the place where you dwell." Psalm 43:3,

How truthful can I be with the Lord? If I were to be totally truthful about my view of self previous to this little journey I would have to say it was horribly warped from believing lies--"pull yourself up by the boot-strap" sort of lies, commonly accepted American ideology. The rawness I'd experienced the previous six months was still evident for a good five or six days into the 14 day trip. Slowly, healing began to take place--by His grace...and through shear simplicity (thank God for simplicity!). Beti's cooking may have had something to do with it too. :)

I don't mean to make this totally about me here. Or Macedonia, per say. Because clearly, the way the Lord works is mysterious and wonderful, and the people and places He chooses to use for the increase of His Glory are fully up to Him, and at His perfect discretion. But seeing my friends run after Him with intensity and thirst; seeing the good fruit of many laborers, well, it wet my parched soul. It's funny too, because the way God views progress is so contrary to how we view it. (Holy Lord am I still learning.) We're comparable to broken pots when His most serious transformation can take place. God is at work in Macedonia, yes. Just as much as He's at work anywhere.
Let the spring come.

Women's event at Melissa's

Skopje from Melissa's 11th floor balcony.

going to the fakulty...

home.

mini...road...trips.

2007-03-05T03:08:00.000+02:00

This has been an interesting week. I've been in transit for much of it, which (of course) makes it more interesting and naturally for me, intensely comtemplative. Driving in a car (or riding) does not necessarily lend itself to clarity...but it does allow for some open spaces of thought. More on that later.

Roadtrip one:

On my second only ever trip to NYC see the Tibet House Benefit at Carnegie Hall..., I realized that I am not afraid of New York. I don't really know why I ever thought that I was, actually. I'm not frightened of London. Or Paris. So why New York? It's just buildings. And people. There are def. not enough trees, however. Except in the Village (I am a faaan of the Village). I also am a fan of walking. And of cupcakes from Magnolia's. And I am most def. a fan of Lou Reed as well.

The acoustics in Cargenie Hall are breath-taking.

So, back to clarity and wide open spaces...here is a quote that somehow kept finding me in the past few days (really! It crept up in an e-mail, then I found it in a book and even heard it in a sermon!)

"Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God." - Brennan Manning (Ruthless Trust)

Yeah, risk again. But I really LIKE clarity. However, I tend to gather that Brennan knows a lot more than me. I think he's right about this one, and since this quote is stalking me, I should prob. take note.

Roadtrip number two of the week found me having tea and scones by a roaring fire in Indianapolis with one of the wisest women I know. And hanging out with other notable individuals in Bloomington, Indiana (home of the Dali Lama's brother) including a Macedonian cat named Margot. I also was able to indulge in some Tibetan food (is there some sort of theme going on here?). Why the Lord decides to bless me with the people he puts in my life, I honestly have no clue. It is evidence of His enormous love.

On my drive from Indianpolis to Dayton, Ohio (Roadtrip number three) my driving thought-life consisted of these: "Awake is the New Sleep" which is a song by I don't know who, but acually, quite inspiring... as well as a quote from a book that I find really helpful called, The Language of Letting Go By Melody Beatie that kept circling through my mind, "Even the strange, the unplanned, the painful, and those things we call errors can evolve into harmony."

My friend Cassie in Dayton has a baby growing in her. That would be soooo weird. Little sea monkey, floating around in there. Her sea monkey's name is Jackson. (a good, strong name)

I think I'd like to end this random road trip post with quote from dear, old Lester Bangs....
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world... is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." Lester Bangs, Almost Famous

hope, again

2007-02-23T00:30:00.000+02:00

Alright, so the themes of my life right now are as follows....hope...risk...fear! then hope again, peace...hope...and it continues. I mentioned the Hope of Glory in a previous post, and the idea of the assurance of His glory being revealed in the world, and in me. I don't know about you, but when God decides to teach me something, somehow it becomes all I can think about and it's in teh music I am hearing, the conversations and interactions I have, etc. I mean, He IS God. All-consuming is like, His very nature.

Today I was reading from my Perspectives coursebook (seminary course on world missions that I am taking) and this passage by Floyd McClung (sweet name), struck me:

"If you live without a vision of the glory of God filling the whole earth, you are in danger of serving your own dreams of greatness, as you wait to do "the next thing" God tells you. There are too many over-fed, under-motivated Christians hiding behind the excuse that God has not spoken to them. They are waiting to hear voices or see dreams--all the while living to make money, to provide for their future, to dress well and have fun. "

Talk about bold. And clear....(ha, inside joke). But really, does this strike you? It does me. Focus on the only true thing gets derailed and before a person can even tell what has happened, it's been replaced so easily by the mundane. Because that is acceptable. It's normal. And it IS mundane. It sickens me, actually. And I can see it in myself, I can see it all around me. There are other things I see too, which bring hope...for more. Listening to Bjork's "It Isn't Up to You" full blast in my car....or, ahem, more notably: Passionate people living for Christ, where they are. Or going where they aren't. Living fully for Christ's Glory exactly now. What does that look like, for you? I think that I could go on and on and oooon about the cultural blocks to a Biblical full life, that I see in the American lifestyle. Because, I actually do go on and on. About this. I think I could get sort of cynical and let it trap me into thinking there isn't any hope in getting past it. HOWEVER. That is indeed the point. There is hope. "...and HOPE does not disappoint us ." I certainly don't mean to end this blog post on like, an unaturally positive note. Honestly, I am stuggling with believing what I am actually writing and learning concerning these mysterious ideas of longing and becoming and hoping. What I am merely suggesting (maybe) is that God doesn't intend for us to give into the hype. He is the true hype.

walking

2007-02-12T23:52:00.000+02:00

Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings.Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
- Jelalludin Rumi

mumble

2007-02-09T18:42:00.000+02:00

People who talk constantly sort of amaze and appall me. I wonder what that would be like-- to have so much to say (out loud!) to everyone that you just never stop. Anyhow, I have been thinking lately about hope. And how it sort of terrifies me for some reason. Hope is the only thing that allows me to continue on but in the same sense seems like such a shot in the dark that is is scaaary to even, you know, count on. Like all these life options. There is hope that something will eventually work out, and I am sure that it IS working out, actually. I maybe tend to put my eggs all in the same basket sometimes. I suppose I am just learning how to take risks...which is def. a part of life. But there are so many! And I actually love risks...after I get over the freaking out. I think some of it is that I have gotten used to being around a culture of people who are not really that into risk...more into comfort. The whole "Hope of Glory" that is written about all through the Bible has been the rhythm of my existence lately. Well, at least I want it to be. I recently have realized that after working the granny (open) shift at Starbucks, I reaaaally should take a nap or I start to downward spiral in the late afternoon and everything becomes tragic and whatnot. I shouldn't even be writing this right now because I haven't taken my nap and it probably doesn't make any sense at all. (dude, that really sounds like a granny)

here is a picture of a purple starfish.

I have become completely obsessed with personality tests

2006-12-23T02:53:00.000+02:00

I am in the midst of a slight personality crisis...maybe? I don't know for sure. All I know is that for some reason, it helps a wee bit to read these test results and say to myself, "hey, yeah. that sounds about right. no wonder." Get in touch with yo self, girl.
This was a pretty fun one to take--ooo, graphs and colors and whatnot! Dig it.

My Personal Dna Report

I have embraced my INFP-ishness (That is....Introverted, Intuitive, Feeler, Perciever) The following is just a snippet from my Myers-Briggs test results. You should really take the test...go here http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

"INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently,they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group,because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' ofthe group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict,they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives."
My assessment of the previous statement: I really don't think that I am a perfectionist. Don't perfectionists have to sort of be obsessed? I think I am too laid back to be that way. Whatev. I AM hard on myself though, so hmmm. And in fact, I DO have a problem with being a control freak in groups...wow, I never really realized that but it's true. I was telling Melissa the other day how our travels in Europe with the STINT team last Christmas/my B-day worked in my favor, being the only second-year STINTER, and the "travel agent." It was a brilliant time...everyone was just like, "sure, hey, sounds good! whatever you say, Em!" Now now, I am not a manipulator, I just like to have a good time! I SIMPLY MUST HAVE A GOOD TIME! WE MUST! hehe. Also, I think that I am sort of a control freak around my family sometimes..like, I reaaaally want the Christmas decorations to look a certain, perfect way. I am sure they can vouche for that. Balance--that is true, I am forever attempting to acheive a balance in my life. I really desire for everything to be as meaningful/purposeful as possible, which sort of puts the pressure on, eh? Yeaaah.
This statement couldn't be more true:
Without resolving this conflict,they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives."
Right now. In my life. Oh the angst.
Another really good personality test can be found at http://www.perex.com .
Here's some more on INFP's: INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities. INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity. Their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from themselves, until circumstances evoke an impassioned response: Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. As INTPs tend to have a sense of failed competence, INFPs struggle with the issue of their own ethical perfection, e.g., performance of duty for the greater cause. An INFP friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of "The Force." Although the dark side must be reckoned with, the INFP believes that good ultimately triumphs.
Famous INFP's:
Homer,Virgil,Mary mother of Jesus, St. John, St. Luke, William Shakespeare, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Helen Keller, Mr.Rogers, Dick Clark, Donna Reed, Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis,Neil Diamond, James Herriot, Annie Dillard, James Taylor, Julia Roberts, John F. Kennedy, Jr.,Lisa Kudrow, Fred Savage, Anne of Green Gables.
(I was pretty stoked to find that some of my heros were INFPs!!! Mr. Rogers...Neil Diamond...FRED SAVAGE!)
Another test, called the Keirsey Personality Index pegged me as a Healer, which constitues one percent of the population! Wow. Also, Princess Di is considered in this category, as are other royalty. Notable.
http://keirsey.com/personality/nf.html

Healer Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in striving for their ends, and informative and introverted in their interpersonal relations. Healer present a seemingly tranquil, and noticiably pleasant face to the world, and though to all appearances they might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside they are anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in other types. They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a favorite cause, and their fervent aim is to bring peace and integrity to their loved ones and the world.
Healers have a profound sense of idealism derived from a strong personal morality, and they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place. Indeed, to understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince or Princess of fairytale, the King's Champion or Defender of the Faith, like Sir Galahad or Joan of Arc. Healers are found in only 1 percent of the general population, although, at times, their idealism leaves them feeling even more isolated from the rest of humanity.
Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged or even punished by many parents. In a practical-minded family, required by their parents to be sociable and industrious in concrete ways, and also given down-to-earth siblings who conform to these parental expectations, Healers come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit them, but not the Healers. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and sisters. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are OK. They are quite OK, just different from the rest of their family-swans reared in a family of ducks. Even so, to realize and really believe this is not easy for them. Deeply committed to the positive and the good, yet taught to believe there is evil in them, Healers can come to develop a certain fascination with the problem of good and evil, sacred and profane. Healers are drawn toward purity, but can become engrossed with the profane, continuously on the lookout for the wickedness that lurks within them. Then, when Healers believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however, for the struggle between good and evil is within the Healer, who does not feel compelled to make the issue public.
Man, if you have made it this far in reading that, then I am impressed. I"m the last to think that these sort of tests can fully explain an individual--no boxes!!! It's so thought-provoking though, don't you think?! I think you should take these tests and send me the results so I am analyze them in my free time. (So, yeah, I've had a little free time for self-exploration lately; so judge me.) :)

snow

2006-12-09T08:22:00.000+02:00

I can't express how thankful I am for the recent snowfall. Today was one of those rare sunny (yet snowy!) days in Cleveland. (average of sunny days in Clevo per December:2) I admired the Cleveland skyline today as I drove downtown--the terminal tower shrouded in hazy gray, the sun cutting through a blue sky. I really like driving (my street car named Murray)as it gives me time to ponder. And listen to amazing mix c-ds made by friends (my love language, besides hot drinks). And pray. And especially ponder.

The world is new after snowfall...and it feels new in other ways for me as well. I think this fall was marked with ups and downs of me trying to pressure myself into being furter along than I actually am, in whatever it is I am supposed to understand/know/be on top of in my life. Pretty frustrating, actually. Along with that, there has been a strain to reconcile friendships/relationships that have consisted of a chat over coffee once a year and now demand other attention(s). Lots of changes. I've never been too smooth with change, as it were. My family still makes fun of me for being devestated at the age of 5 when we decided to replace the kitchen sink. Nothing would ever be the same again, I must have thought. Yep, def. on the slow side when it comes to life changes, you know...moving home from overseas, getting new sinks... It must go back to the whole slow loris thing (refer to June's post). The snow was sort of a reminder to me to be kinder to myself and let this process work itself out. New start, clean slate. December is my favorite month, after all. In other news...I shrank another sweater. This is the second of the week. BLAH! So much for domesticity.

sorry to be so, well, honest

2006-11-21T23:02:00.000+02:00

So, since coming back to Cleveland after living in Macedonia (Europe) for two years, there have been a lot of adjustments (this is a general understatement). I appreciate many things about the European way of life, and there are also many perks to life in America as well. (blogging more in the earlier stages of this transition probably would have given a better idea of what that was like, but, I stink, and I didn't... but I blogging now. :)

There are some quirks and downfalls (upfalls too) of American culture, that, (myself being a cultural anthropologist of sorts) am taking note of, casually studying, trying to come to terms with...as I fervently attept to keep hold of some of the more valuable lessons/habits/ways of being that I learned from being submersed in European culture.

So I hate to be cliche, but about that whole, "how are doing?"..."fine, how are you" deal... I know that we are all supposed to be super tough and have it all together and put our best foot forward, but I guess I am not used to that anymore and want to really tell people how I am. In the same sense, I really want to know how people are doing. Actually, most people probably want to be heard, it's like, a basic human need, right?

What prevents us from being trandparent? Not that we should just let it all out to everyone, all the time. But, really. There is this sense of holding back...that I feel in a lot of people I talk with. A wall. Like, there is is code...some things you just aren't supposed to talk about. Unpleasant things, like, feelings.

I've found in my current transition it feels like there are constant hurdles to being my real self. I guess because I am trying to figure out who that is, in Cleveland, Ohio.

In the kitchen at my parents house, they have a daily calendar with these horribly cheezy inspirational quotes such as "The soul dances to the rhythm of the sea." and "Mother nature teaches us, if we will only listen." I usually read it, roll my eyes, and continue on with making my oatmeal. Yesterday though, the quote was, "Integrity is knowing who you are no matter what life brings your way." I started to roll my eyes (I have this bad habit, and actually used to get checks by my name for it back in grammer school)but then stopped and thought about it for a moment. I quickly came to this conclusion: I don't agree totally with this quote. I think that it would be nice to say that yeah, hard situations bring out our true self, and maybe they do a bit. But honestly, who I am, (and who you are) is completely based in who God is. When it comes to difficult and refining situations in life, if you don't have solid footing on the only solid foundation, then it's going to be rough(er). Luckily, our faith (as believers in Christ) isn't in our faith...but in Him.

thus far

2006-09-21T00:31:00.000+03:00

I don't thiiiink I am being assimilated. I hope not.

Anyhow, here are some pictures from my trip to Barcelona, Spain with my dear friend Ang.

transitory transitional transits...

2006-09-08T19:35:00.000+03:00

SO. It's been a great while, and a great many events, experiences, travels, etc etc have taken place in the past 3 months. Re-cap? Hmmm, let's see. There was the tearful goodbye to Macedonia--my home of two years, and the goodbye to the entirety of my Macedonian family. This place and these people changed my life--God moulded me there and I can't expect to ever be the same again. During this transition to American life (I don't expect to truly adjust to the stressed-out pace or anything, don't fear) I am sure that I'll be updating on all the culture shock, I miss MK, etc. Bear with me. This attempt to sum up doesn't do much justice, but here are some goodbye pics:

I will miss thee, Baba.

Tito and me.

How many stray dogs can you count?

Goodbye peanut man.

My room with a view.

All aboard the ghetto train.

fam

Aquarius mornings, Ohrid.

I heart Schweppes.

St. Jovan

Verche and me.

Friends.

irony

2006-06-23T18:23:00.000+03:00

So. I spent a good chunk of my day today, on the phone with various airlines and travel agents, attempting to sort out a number of tickets, numbers, informations, complications....blah blah BLAH. It was quite an ordeal, as any air travel in this part of the world, in the summer months, is. Praise the Lord, I think things are working out alright after all. However! Can you believe this irony: So for the past two years I have lived in an adorable split level--next door to a piano teacher. The walls here are paper thin, and sometimes she decides to start playing at 8 am. Sometimes she starts at 11 pm. Sometimes it's all day! Anyhow, you can pretty much guarantee that on any given day, she is playing this one particularly bangy tune: dun dun dun DUNDUNDUNDUN dun dun duuuuun!!! over and over again. If I knew the name of it, I would tell you. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the piano music, occasionally. But this song!! I find myself whistling it while cooking, humming it as I brush my teeth, taking out the trash...you get the picture.
Can you even guess which song was playing on repeat on the United Airlines holding?!?!? Yes. The same. the irony!

an american in paris...and, in america.

2006-06-14T22:52:00.000+03:00

Ok, so I am not actually going to write much about my trip to Paris, except to once again mention the mini quiche, I just really wanted to use that clever title because I love Gene Kelly. (Really, ladies, he can move those dancin feet.) Oh, also, if anyone is ever interested in a free trip to Versailles, Felicity and I came up with a killer plan on how to visit the palace of king Louis the 16th, and fully entertain yourself without paying a euro dime. (we are planning on making a travel book about it--here is a little preview: think beautiful gardens...bubble gum...a soundtrack specifically chosen for the event...park benches... a slammin good time.)

So my second week of break I went home to Parma, and primarily to SE ohio to be in Autum's wedding. It was a quick visit, but I had several revelations concerning America, my family, primates, culture, dogs and other fun things. I admit I felt sort of out of place in America after living in eastern europe. These three things stuck out the most: Americans work, eat and shower waaaay more than Macedonians. Walking around the burbs of Parma, there was like noooone around. Where is everyone?! My mom said they were probably at work. ?!?! Ok.
While shopping at the grocery I saw out of the corner of my eye, a woman walking around talking to herself, with a flash drive in her ear. I tried not to stare. Laura said that it was a "communication device." ?!?!
Some other lessons:
* Devo is from Akron!
* "The Browns are back in 99," is still a great awkward silence filler.
*After a year away from being behind the wheel, I can still drive!
*People in America say hello to you, even if you don't know them! (especially when you are walking in the metroparks.)
*I watched "Lady and the Tramp" and have gained a new respect for the stray dogs.
*My family makes me feel normal, because they have the same weird body abnormaliites as I do (ie tiny bladder, ability to drink incredibly hot beverages and high sensitivity to caffine.)

Erica and I went to the zoo and were introduced to a most adorable creature--the Slow Loris.

Slow loris - NYCTICEBUS COUCANG
Endangered

This creature knows what it is all about: it takes life slooow. Seriously! It moves carefully but accurately. I have realized that I am a slow loris. Really, the pace of life in Macedonia feels so much more like home to me these days than ever. Three hours to do laundry? No problem. Walk to the store? What else would you do! In my opinion, this animal represents enjoying life, each moment and not bothering about the hurry surrounding. We can all learn from the slow loris I think.

Alright, alright. Here are some pics from the wedding.

ode

2006-05-26T23:02:00.000+03:00

It has been an emotional and busy past few weeks. I can hardly believe that my time in Macedonia is quickly drawing to a close... I feel too busy to think about it, honestly. There is an undercurrent of bittersweetness... ok, sadness, actually. The people and culture here are home to me. I feel really blessed in how the close of the semester has gone--Vodno girls (me and my housemates) had a house party at the end of May and got to hang out with some of our friend for the last time. It went amazingly well. Dragana shared the Gospel and some of our friends got connected to Macedonian staff. We enjoyed mini quiche, and other delicacies (to the horror and awe of our macedonian friends who have never seen such food in their lives).

Please pause for an

Ode to the mini quiche...

oh mini quiche.... le petite quiche

so delicious and teeny tiny

smaller than a real quiche but just as tasty

I love to munch munch munch

and revel at your savory loveliness.

can I please eat, le petite quiche

until the very end of time?

I must also mention that I ate mini quiche every single day while I was in Paris two weeks ago, because it was sold on every street corner. Oh the bliss.

thanks for nothing, jovanche

2006-04-26T23:57:00.000+03:00

this is what my (maybe) reliable Macedonian hairstylist did to me when I asked him (three times) to not cut any short layers in my hair (to guard against mullet).

sooo irritating.

random series of events...

2006-04-08T16:02:00.000+03:00

there is much to say!

Ok, first off, it's spring!!! Did I mention the cherry blossoms? They are lovely. And fragrant. Mel and I were on the balcony the other day, wondering at the tiny, green buds. They seemingly came out of absolutely no where--all of a sudden, it's like, life appears. And pretty much after that, life is springing up all over and you can hardly keep up with it all...the daffodils, ferns, plum blossoms. It's quite jubilent, actually. The cats are having quite a go at it recently, too (kittens!).

So myself and a few teammates decided to go to the Arabian Restaurant for dinner last night. Expecting a nice, quiet Friday night dinner? Let's just say we got away with more than merely delicious falafel. We were chatting about the past week when, quite suddenly, the music got 5 notches louder and the lights dimmed. The thought ran through my head...could it be? Yes, belly dancing. Quite entertaining. And our first hookah experience. A notable night.

Today I ran my very first race ever--an 8 k (approx. 5 miles) that a local church was putting on. Though I wasn't nearly as prepared as I would have liked, I finished 4th (also known as second to last) and had a blast! I was just glad to not have killed myself on the cobbly stones we had to run on down by the river, and to get a free t-shirt. I recieved heaps of support from my friends (though they were late due to their taxi hitting a cat on the way to the race.)

new word: cheeky--thanks to British Andy, I've come to understand this word to mean "pleasantly conniving and/or wonderfully sneaky". Also thanks to Andy, I have discovered that Cadbury eggs taste just as good today as they did when I was a kid.

well I am off to do saturday things! some pics from the past few weeks...

ohrid dreaming

Felicity, me, Anabela @ the disko

couldn't resist these pics of my teammates looking slightly...cheeky

"bleeble blabble"

2006-03-29T02:02:00.000+03:00

Firstly, I must say..."that is a cosby sweater!"

There are a few things that I have had it "up to here" about.

Numero uno:
Stray dogs. dogs in general. big knarly ones, little puny ones, mutated, mangy, yippy, pathetic dogs. I have been chased by a total of three dogs here in Mk while running. While two of these experiences were only mildly terrifying, the third was practically near-death and involved a HUGE furry-faced yellah dawg (yes, a dawg, mind you)and me narrowly escaping by way of an open gate that happened to belong to the British ambassedor (his fam appeared agitated and in their bathrobes on the front lawn, to my rescue). While most of the thousands of dogs in Skopje are prob. totally harmless, I am choosing to believe the worst of canines these days.

Broj Dva:
Winter coats. Sooo bulky. However! I have not worn mine in 2 days!!! Me thinks spring is on the way.

I do have more to say, but will do so at a more timely hour!!!

call it spring fever, or what you will

2006-03-01T18:15:00.000+02:00

at risk of being called a sap (considering my past few entires) I can't help but share the things that I have been enjoying today...

the sun!
praising the Lord
brightly colored oranges, bananas and peppers at the green market
re-discovering the mystery of Romans 12:1 with my friend Aneta
eating my favoritest spinach pastery from Vegera on the way to faculty
running into friends at the faculty
drinking 100% orange juice from a tiny glass bottle
walking
the "sparkling" vardar river
people meeting to go "on kafe"
the skinny dog wearing a sweater vest walking his owner
gypsy kids playing on the park benches
learning albanian from my friend meri
freedom
babas (grandmas) selling randomness on the street corners
strange smells: exhaust, pastery shops, sewers, strong Macedonian perfume, bo
seeing couples holding hands
delicious cappucino from Broz
"Alo?!" the macedonian way of answering the phone
fast-paced techno music at every kafe
choice
nearly getting run over by avtobuses
seeing the snow-capped mountains at a distance
smsing
taking life a bit slower and liking it
germans at Broz kafe!!! oh my gosh oh my gosh
running
looking forward to cooking chicken with feta, olives and spinach for dinner
faux-hawks and capri's with tall boots
da da da (yes yes yes)
peace
blue and brown
my sample vile of burberry brit...mmm
Hotel Bimbo (??)
big sunglasses
whirly-birds spinning in the wind
balconies
graceland by paul simon
mint-green vw bug
someone's algebra homework strewn all the way down the street

I heart valentine's day

2006-02-15T22:51:00.000+02:00

It's true. I am absolutely crazy about valentine's day! I am not sure how this happened, though it could have ties to my childhood, my father's job at a greeting card company...the stark beauty of red and pink hearts against snowy whiteness...an excuse to craft, and bake! and most importantly, the opportunity to show people you love, that you love them!! See, the thing is that too many people think that St. Valentine's Day is reserved exclusively for couples. Not so. I implore you, Do you love someone...s?! Me thinks,it is highly probably that you do! Then YOU can enjoy Valentine's Day! Last year, my valentine was a 100 year old women named Lucille--an old family friend who was faithful to send me cards out here in Macedon-land-- all the time. This year, my valentines were my stint teammates (who lovingly responded yes to, "will you be mine?"). And of course, my mother was another valentine--I am not ashamed to say. Another lie you may be believing is--you can only have one valentine. Again, you couldn't be further from the truth.

I would like to take a moment to thank the brilliant individual who decided to 1.) honor St. Valentine and 2.)celebrate his honor during the most depressing month of the year. While we're at it, I honor St. Valentine, although I admit I know very little about him. Seriously though, don't we all just need a little lovin by the time mid-Feb. rolls around?

Since Valetine's Day is a Catholic holiday, not many people observe it here in Macedonia. I am hoping I have set a trend that might change that, however.

I would like to take another moment to honor Martha Stewart who's website provided a cornucopia of fun valentine's ideas. You are # 1 in my heart, Martha--the brownies were extra moist.

I hope that I am convincing you. People of the world, spread a little love!! Thank God that He IS Love! whoa!!

Other thanks go out to...
the guys, who lovingly prepared dessert, bought us ladies flowers and dinner, and wrote heart-felt notes.
the waiter at Bombay restaurant, who must have gotten the note about customer service.
anyone I came in contact with yesterday that endured my over-excitement concerning anything and everything heart-shaped.
And lastly, to you, who have taken the time to read this blog. You are amazing!

potluck

2006-02-07T22:35:00.000+02:00

I've been void of any significant blog-worthy themes on which to write lately...feeling sort of uninspired in this area....as it were. SO. the following is a regular hodgpodge of underwhelming whatnot for my and your entertainment purposes.

praise God for legwarmers!they have exceeded my expectations for warmth and made this winter season livable as well as unforgetable.

I miss these girls like the dickens(korenski and blaze). that is all I have to say on this matter.

a pizza place in Macedonia--notice the teenage mutant ninga turtles? the randomness is unending.

If I were an animal, I would definitely choose to be a pegasus--the best of both worlds, land and air! (I was delighted to find this drawing of pegasus hanging on the wall of a friend's flat.)

Have you ever seen a bad picture of Courtney? Not until now at least. (love ya court)

More people that I miss--my roomies from last year, autum and lindz(pictured here after peeing our pants on a dare.) (noooo, sillies, it was raining)

look, this reindeer is doing the "hung" dance! inconceivable. (you're lucky I didn't post the real picture of you dancing, Hung--yowza!)

Dan, a tree-hugger? yeah, I wouldn't have believed it unless I had been there and seen it with my own eyes.

what a guy...

what do you want from me? that's all I got.

reflectionsontheoldnewyear

2006-01-04T14:24:00.000+02:00

I wrote this en-route to Skopje in a van through Greece in November, but think it's pretty representative of recent ponderings on the (old and) new year.

Mental musings...
brought on only by that
which
sifts through the senses to the soul, and for
15 seconds
takes up a fleeting residency.

The very substance of
LIFE

that yonder sunken sun reflecting fields of sepia and green...

How could the likes of these ever be captured in a
dusty,
roadside temple?

Dissonant notes fall heavy
like
baptismal snowflakes,

wetting parched lips.

These delicate graces are cleansing
and
make
my feet

WILD to dance!

I long to grasp the
intricacies
of

this love

but echo...

"O Lord, what is man that you care for him,
the son of man that you think of him?
Man is like a breath;
his days are like a fleeting shadow."
Psalm 144:3,4

(yet)
I will continue on
in WONDER

rather
than

fear.

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

diggin for roots & growin old in home sweet Italia

2006-01-04T14:12:00.000+02:00

Some might say that I am bit over-zealous about birthdays. It's sort of, like, the most important celebration for an individual personally though...seeing as if you didn't have a birthday, then you weren't actually born (seems obvious, right?). Which is why it's so great--we all were given the opportunity to LIVE (this really has nothing to do with us anyhow) and thus why not go the extra mile to have a stinkin blast on the anniversary of your screamin, cryin entrance into the world?! It's a celebration of life, yo... So, a HEARTY thanks to God who gives life, to all of you who understand the importance of birthdays, and to those who made mine so special this year. :)

So now that I've stated the obvious I'd like to make documentation of probably the best b-day ever...that is, December 27, 2005...the day I turned 2-dozen.

This year I got the opportunity to spend my birthday exploring the land of my ancestors--that is, (the few, the proud) Cernoia's, in the north east region of Fruili, Italy. It was pretty convenient to travel there considering myself and 5 teammates along with my best friend Mar, spent Christmas in Slovenia--a mere 2 hour drive from Cernoiaville.
Some highlights of the day include the following....
*driving through the Julian Alps past tiny villages and car-dancing (i.e. wildly thrashing about to Jeff Buckley and Bloc Party)
*getting soaked by ridiculously large snowflakes (as large as cottonballs) falling from the sky
*exploring the towns of Cividale and Udine, Italy
*enjoying one of the most delicious meals to ever to grace these lips--three hour long, three course meal complete with Tocai local vino...candle light...sigh. (Italians understand food like no other culture I know.)
*the spirit of my ancestors pulsing through my veins--haha, just kidding
*practicing my Italian--and recieving a "bravissima" from a local
*experiencing such unconditional love from my teammates & Mar--I'm undeserving. You teach me what the body of Christ should be. (Nothing speaks love to this girl like a tiny porcelin fawn in a baby cradle.)
*skipping down cobblestone streets
*falling asleep to "About a Boy"--one of my fav. movies ever

Some visuals from our travels...

Mar and I
The beautiful town of Cividale del Friuli
Melissa & this hat were meant to be!
The Parma girls meeting up in Venice!
Van rides are sweet
The guys and me in Udine, Italy

Sadly, I didn't actually get to meet any Cernoia's, but I did speak on the phone to some befuddled relatives with poor English. Better luck next time. It is worthly of mention that the restaurant we ate at in Udine was owned by (a) Fabio (look-alike).

the education of a brotherless cynic

2005-12-11T12:35:00.000+02:00

I never really thought that I was missing out on anything by not having a brother. In fact, if anything, I have been spared the bruises, taunting and ridicule. It must be God's provision too--seeing as how little I am, I prob. couldn't handle the wailing on. So, ok, sweet--avoided that hassle, thank God. Just because I grew up with two sisters doesn't mean I am clueless about men, does it.....?!

As it turns out, I guess I missed out on some really valuable lessons concerning the masculine mind....lessons that my roommates Courtney and Melissa (who both have brothers) are patiently teaching me presently. I am a bit embarrassed to say that I am still this naive about such topics, and with my 24th birthday just around the corner too! However, after a series of frustrating and unsuccessful (on my part) pillow fights with the guys this weekend, it is quite clear that I am in desperate need of an education. My lack of skill and effective strategery must have been apparent to the guys, seeing as all their rage was exclusively taken out on my dainty, petite self. My petiteness has acted as a defense mechanism for me in the past (I am the smallest of the small, have mercy, how pathetic are you for choosing to pick on someone so delicate!)---but they were relentless! The more I fought back, the more they persisted! (I admit it wasn't a totally unpleasant experience--it is funny to see Dan shuffling about and brandishing pillows.)

At the end of the evening, I sat down with my hair all bird-nesty, my ego crumpled and bruised, and with many questions swirling in my head. Don't these guys respect me?! Are they just trying to prove their masculinity? Why are guys so violent? What the heeeeey?! As I expressed my outrage to Court and Mel, they remained unsimpathetic--they even went so far as to say that I had brought it on myself simply by fighting back!!! Can you believe that?! I am not the type to just sit down and admit defeat--not without an all out battle at least. Someone of my stature has to posess at least a small bit of healthy rage if just to retain respect. I continued to argue my point,but they did not buy my feminist rational. After a few hours of them patiently explaining to me the method of remaining unaffected...cool calm and collected in the face of annoying brothers (this pisses them off more than anything) did it only begin to sink in.

I still have a long way to go, and I am not entirely convinced....and this is why I really need your input! If you are a brother, or if you have a brother....please, for the love of all sisterdom, explain to me these things!! I covet your comments...my life may depend on it. (just kidding, but really, what in the world!?)

Wiener World Adventure

2005-12-04T14:47:00.000+02:00

So I have recently returned from the land of the Wiener schnitzel....the Wiener bratwaurst, Wiener hot wine, and Wiener everything else, as 'Wiener' describes anything from the city of Vienna, Austria. By that mere fact alone, this city could be cool. However, there are countless other reasons that visiting Vienna with the other stinters last weekend for a brief retreat, was a blast. These are a few of my favorite thinnnngssss......:)
First of all...snow. I think I must just be one of those mental people who have a strange over-appreciation for the winter loveliness that falls from the sky. Could anything be more delightful? By the way, I have learned a new Macedonian phrase..."O, moja mala snegelko!" meaning, "oh, my little snowflake!" which I will use to greet friends and strangers alike, this holiday season. Who wouldn't want to be refered to as a snowflake?
Anyhow, Wien. The city of Vienna also did an amazing job at decorating--the christmas lights displays down each street were unique--chandeliers, candles, stars, were some of my favs. (all white lights too--sparkly!)
Deutsch--why do I enjoy this language so much? I am SURE I don't know, but it's like sweet music to my ears. The words are like 30-letters long for pete's sake.
Bratwaurst--sure, it's mystery meat...as in the real mystery is how they make the the noses and entrails taste so darn good. Brat stands on every corner!! Mmm...I am enjoying life as a meat-eater.
Impressionist and expressionist art--got the chance to go to the Leopold Museum. Developed an appreciation for an Austrian artist, Egon Shiele (who studied under Gustav Klimt), and aside from being somewhat of a, eh, controversial dude, I thoroughly enjoy his pre-cubist, colorful street scene paintings.
My team--It was fun getting to know some of my teammates better during this trip through the experiences of skipping down the street and catching snowflakes on our tongues, getting into arguments and banterings concerning what to do and see, as well as concerning Franz Joseph, getting lost in the city, riding the most ridiculously pathetic ferris wheel of all time, drinking starbucks coffee, teaching Hung how to wink at girls, resting tired feet in magnificent cathedrals, borrowing Felicity's leg warmers, re-enacting My So-Called Life episodes while drinking dark, Viennese beer, petting dogs wearing coats, being art critics, playing the glasses at a cafe, browsing the christmas market and admiring men with 'penninsula' hairlines....
Although I did not find stabilo pens to buy (another one of my favorite things) it was quite a refreshing get-away. :)

my favorite street in Vienna!!! oooo, pretty

Studentski Veekend

2005-11-16T01:33:00.000+02:00

me with some new friends on a hike

<--interupting Dan's model shoot oh my. so, studentski veekend (aka fall retreat) was this past weekend--it was a tooootally macedonian experience. I am still trying to recover from exhaustion. (and by the way, why do macedonians switch their 'w's and 'v's? For example, weekend is 'veekend' and village is 'willage.' I must admit I adore this little quirk, but I just want to know whhhhy?) The retreat took place in Mavrevo, a small town up in the mountains, and we stayed at the Hotel Ratika (not to be confused with the Hotel Erotica). Hotel Ratika was probably in it's prime in 1967, mind you. Anyhow, it was a fabulous weekend in many respects, including that 60 students showed up and most of them were new and had never heard the Gospel!! They sure did after this weekend though! It turned out to be a pretty, uh, memorable time (belly dancing at the talent show, are you kidding me?!) On a more serious note, I am floored at how God draws people to Himself the way that only He is capable of doing. He is working so deeply in people's hearts, and they (and I) may never even realize. I am gaining such an appreciation for 'the process.' Process indicates no definite arrival point in this lifetime, but a general progression of gained understanding, a flow of relationships, instances, thoughts, emotions, interactions, and most importantly: workings of the Holy Spirit, that leads one down a path towards Christ. It's beautifully freeing to experience God's grace through the knowledge that, as my friend Jane would say, "You're right on schedule," where-ever you are, if you're walking with Him. And it's an amazing privilege to be able to work through those processes with other individuals...to learn together and to allow roots like a tree to settle down deep, sucking up some of that living water.
Macedonia is one of those starkly beautiful places--if you look at the pictures from Mavravo, you might know what I mean. You have to look past the browns and grays, the dusty apathy to see the blues and oranges, the seeds of hope that are sprouting fresh.
I wish I had more words to describe it right now, but it's late and I am to bed.

don't mess with my oatmeal

2005-11-08T00:49:00.000+02:00

Shto e toa? (What is this?)
This is blue oatmeal. Why, you might ask, is it blue? You should probably ask the guys. Why ask the guys?! Perhaps because they are the culprits who broke and entered our humble abode with the intent of disrupting my most favoritest morning ritual (among other really well-pulled-off pranks). As if it wasn't enough to line up 300 cups of water on our stairs and make it impossible to enter, the next morning we realized that all the drinks in our fridge had been died putrid shades of green and blue!
If anyone out there knows me at all, you know that I am a veritable oatmeal freak. On any given morning you will find me hovering over the stove and making a magical bowl of cinnamonie goodness. This is a tradition that harkens back to the days on the hippy farm, Orcas Island, Washington, USA. (Of course there we used almond milk and the light crunchiness was due to the bugs.) Anyhow, besides the obvious fact that oats prevent heart disease, they are a healthy addition to a natural lifestyle (or visa-versa). Blue milk is not natural, by which I must say, PAYBACK IS IN ORDER!

thought

2005-11-06T21:03:00.000+02:00

"Living is not thinking. Thought is formed and guided by objective reality outside us. Living is the constant adjustment of thought to life and life to thought in such a way that we are always growing, always experiencing new things in the old and old things in the new. Thus life is always new." Thomas Merton

think about that, then go out and do somethin, yo!

Happy Harvest (and who IS the Lord of the Dance?!)

2005-10-30T09:00:00.000+02:00

Ah, it's that time of year again....there is a crispness in the air, leaves crunch underfoot....all that autumnal loveliness. To celebrate the season, our staff team had a costume party. ( Halloween is a foreign concept to Macedonians but they managed to get down like regular Halloweenies. ) Choosing a costume for such an event is always challenging--but this year there was no question in our minds--we were going as the Lord of the Dance. Let me 'splain...

Earlier this fall, Michael Flatley's 'Lord of the Dance' came to Skopje (ironically enough), and some teammates and I had the great pleasure of attending. The main theme of this modern-irish-step-dancing-extraveganza revolves around a magical cumberbun and the impressive footwork of (extremely arrogant) Michael Flately who IS the Lord of the Dance, to save all that is good and wonderful in the world (embodied by a raver-irish-flutist) from impending doom. Needless to say, we were deeply moved by this performance...

...moved enough to re-inact such a display for Halloween. My teammate (and hero) Dan Weller, was brave enough to take on the role of Michael Flatley and allowed us to accurately decorate him for the part (stage make-up!!) Courtney, Felicity, Lindsay, Melissa and I adorned ourselves as his back-up dancers. Though we did not win first prize for best group costume (the adorable Burkey family, dressed as The Incredibles took this home), I believe that we put on an unmerited and obscenely entertaining take of an Irish Jig that was enjoyed by one and all. ALSO, there is no question as to Dan's looking hot in eye-liner. Ah, but don't you let me be the judge, see for yourself. Happy Harvest.

PS I have discovered a new talent--apple-bobbing!! I am glad for this post-stint, future career lead.

cluck cluck

2005-10-26T00:38:00.000+03:00

Doh! So when I finally give in to the pressures eating meat, foiled again by the BIRD FLU! Sick, dude. No cuddling with the Balkan chickens.

Also, here is a sandwich wrapper depicting a cow: grinning as his hind-end is hacked into t-bones. Can you even believe it?! Outrageous!

camping in the "wilderness" with the team

2005-10-12T08:18:00.000+03:00

Well, I haven't posted in about a zillion years, but thought I'd give it a whirl. This is my new Stint team...camping a few weeks ago on the mountain near my home in Skopje, Macedonia. We had a riot of a time....more stories to come!!

pomegranates?

2005-10-11T23:50:00.000+03:00

What would it take to get a decent pomegranate in this town? You'd think that poms would be in their prime in this part of the world...Greek Mythology and what-not. However, I have regretfully not found anything comparable here in Skopje, to the succulent rubies from my beloved West Side Market in Clevo...

for what it's worth

2005-02-17T12:02:00.000+02:00

The human soul is a mystery…linked within itself to emotions, thoughts; an eternity of screenplay memory, intrinsicalities of the past with feeble and unknowing ties to what’s out there. We’re just using that which has been taught to us, what we’ve used to adapt and survive to deal with the great question mark that greets us at the brink of each new dawn. The only one who can shake up that dawn (give it wings) is Him…but can those things learned and practiced really be unlearned and unimplemented? And at what cost? But supposing they can… what fantastic little revolutions and epiphanies would break out in our beings—what revelations await us when we so much as ask! The secret formula, the code to be broken in order to access this liberation is of a much simpler sort than I make it out to be on a daily basis. Brokenness, (yes, that is a requirement) and when is that ever not painful? How truly freeing it is when all our skeletons, inadequacies, our blundering foolishness, quirks and raw emotions are exposed to LIGHT. Surly in that light they can be re-built, loved or discarded according to His perfect order.

sweet heavenly mercifuls

2005-01-28T19:13:00.000+02:00

oh the irony of it all....

Snow in Skopje

2005-01-24T14:54:00.000+02:00

Haven’t written in a great while…just got back from being in Hungary for 10 days for the Eastern European Conference. It was excellent to hang out with people from all over Eastern Europe—to see their passion, hear the stories of how God is working in post-communist societies. Some of these countries are still very suspicious of religion, and even have laws preventing talking about such ideas, like Belarus. God challenged my thinking a lot this past week—always promoting growth, gently asking me to hand over one more area of my life that I have unknowingly (or more often than not, purposefully) kept in my clutches!

As we were taxiing back into Skopje I was hit with a wave of homesickness…probably the largest I’ve experienced since being here. There was a Starbucks and Body Shop in the Vienna Airport, and I nearly went on a frenzy! It must be learned cultural behavior, this consumerism, but I was slightly appalled with myself. It’s such a stark difference, the west and the east…let alone the faaar west, USA.

I woke up to the sounds of a dog fight in the street, and was excited to look out the window and see the grayness covered in a layer of snow. Thank God for the snow! I think that is something that I have been missing about Cleveland. It’s Monday, the garbage men singing loud and unashamedly as they take their route remind me that it’s trash day. I think I have post-holiday blues.

Today I will take down the Christmas decorations that have been up for two months, do my laundry, drink mass quantities of tea and make an attempt towards normalcy.

Happy New Year!

2004-12-31T19:08:00.000+02:00

Back in Skopje.....and suprisingly, it is good to be home, even after being probably the most beautiful place in the world--Wengen, Switzerland. It's weird, I was thinking today that coming home to my home and ministry and life in Skopje after Christmas travels, is more "normal" than going home to Cleveland, Ohio would be. Whhaaaat has happened to my life....

So, way to jump back in--New Year's--THE most important and celebrated day of the whole year in Macedonia. I wonder what I should wear tonight?

I'm so thankful for this past year of my life...the amazing people I met, places I've traveled, ways the Lord has allowed me to grow etc etc. Things are changing so fast now it's hard to keep track. I wonder how this year has been for you?

Happy 2005!

it's a start

2004-12-08T05:11:00.000+02:00

Well, I officially have my very own blogspot! Hopefully now I can be in contact with all you wonderful people out there that I love while I am in Macedonia. It'll prob take me awhile to get the hang of broadcasting my personal thoughts out into the www... And hopefully I will hear from you as well!!

Today I got to hang out with the Josovik's--a staff family on our team. Beti cooked a real Macedonian VEGETARIAN meal for me, and it was great! I am loving getting to know this family better--they are just so warm and welcoming, oh and hilarious too.

That's all for now...it's a start.